April 25th, 2012

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'd been feeling a little strange for the past month. Not bad, just... strange. I felt a little queasy at night before bed, mainly. Just to be safe, I thought I should pick up a pregnancy test on a nightly shopping trip for dinner ingredients (taco cupcakes, which I will probably remember forever).

I think in my heart, I knew. My mind was laughing at me for being a typical over-reactor, but my heart knew. My body knew.

Pregnant. Pregnant. & Pregnant.


The test came with three, and I took the last one this morning. I'm pretty sure I didn't get a faulty pack.

I started thinking back. A couple of weeks ago, I burst into tears watching a video of a couple telling their parents they were expecting. I'm a crier, but not a "shaking sobs from a Youtube video" crier. I laughed it off as PMS, but friends grinned knowingly. I've been having strange and very vivid dreams. Friends grinned knowingly.

Here, I was so terrified of not being able to get pregnant. I thought that once we started trying, it could be a couple of years before it happened for us. That, itself, terrified me to my very core. Part of the reason I was hesitant to try was because I didn't want to fail.

I don't know if I can actually accept that it's happening until a doctor tells me so. If my calculations are correct, I'm about 5 weeks along (and now, in checking the calendar... it could be almost 8 weeks. God... I can't remember because all of my tracking was on my other phone)

When I saw "pregnant" pop up on the little screen, I have to be honest... I lost my breath. I lost every ounce of strength that was in me. It's the strangest feeling. It's something I've never seen before - those words, talking to me. I laughed nervously, like... you have got to be kidding? I kept waiting for the screen to change to "SIKE! Not pregnant."

I'm scared - scared that I'm not strong enough to be a mother. I know that's just negative thinking, but right now... I just have to wrap my mind around this.

I walked into the bedroom, sat down on the bed. Paul came around the corner. I stared at him in shock.

"What?" He asked

I held out the test. He looked down and saw it in my hand... and knew. "No way." His eyes completely gleamed; he is MORE than ready and MORE than strong enough to be a daddy.

"Yep." I said. And then I cried. Happy tears, scared tears. He wrapped me up in a big hug and reminded me that this is good news. This is the ultimate gift from God.

"But it's gonna hurt," I whimper. He laughed, I laughed... still in total shock.

I didn't do anything I wanted to do in preparation, of getting pregnant... I wanted to save money. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to lose 20 lbs so I was in the best shape ever to gain baby weight.

Jessica, gently reminded me the other day when I was thinking my period could be late, that these things don't happen in our timing. It's true... if it was dependent on me, nothing would ever happen. Nothing that matters, anyway. I'm cautious. I'm hesitant. I'm a worrier.

I'm glad I love a God that has these days set from the very beginning. He knew I would blow through three tests in a matter of minutes, not believing what I was seeing. He knew that this would happen without much effort on our part. I thought I was going to have to plan out my days when we began trying, test to find out when our big days were to get pregnant... nope. My mom told me that she used to stand on her head in an attempt to get pregnant (you know, in an attempt to help gravity run it's course) and it took them a little while to conceive, too. None of that. Paul practically looked at me, and it happened.

God knew I needed to get out of my current job, and into a new position that would allow for the flexibility of being a stay at home mom. FPS, and Spark... perfect for me, especially with this new turn of events. Really, He was been working things together perfectly... I was just too paranoid to see it. We're so blessed.

I keep re-reading this post because I don't want to sound upset or sad, because I'm not - at all. I'm scared of doing things right, that's all. I just thought I would have more time to mentally prepare. This was so out of left field. But, beyond the shock, I could cry thinking about the moment that I get to hold my baby for the first time. My healthy, happy mini-Paul or mini-Corianne.

I hope you can dress and sing like your dad. I also hope that you get his patience, and his sensibility. I'm an emotional mess. I love a lot, but I worry myself sick. I don't want you to be like that.

We told Abbie immediately, because she would have known from my red eyes when I came back upstairs that something was wrong. We told Martin when he got home too... mainly, I think, because we needed someone to tell us how to react. Tell us things are going to be great. Remind me that I have 9 months now to do things I need to do to be prepared for a little one. Celebrate with me. Joke about not being able to wind down with a glass of cab anymore, show me pictures in Allure magazines of bathing suits I can wear this summer when I'm 5 months pregnant.

Oh my God. I'm totally pregnant.

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