May 16th, 2012

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

First ultrasound is today.

I'm really nervous... this is to tell me how far along I am. I'm trying hard to have the confidence that I need to have, but it's easier said than done. Some friends have told me this anxiety doesn't go away... which, makes sense. I don't know why I assumed once I was pregnant, I would have complete confidence that all would be fine and there wouldn't be a care in the world (well, besides labor that I've literally had nightmares about since I was sixteen years old), but that's not so much the case.

To be perfectly honest, it just feels like it's happened so easily - and I'm doubting God's perfect plan. Do I really deserve something this easy? I know people that have been trying to have babies for years, and here I am, scared out of my mind and afraid to accept this gift... and why? Because I'm afraid I'll fail? Because I'm afraid I haven't wanted it as badly as another woman? Because I'm scared of the pain? How awful of me.

I've been praying feverishly all day, because I know that God's begun a work in me (literally) that His hand is all over... and everything in me is fighting to remain confident as the human side of me stresses out. Anything less than complete confidence that God's perfect will on my pregnancy is doubt that I don't have time to dwell in. He is busy creating a miracle in me, and I don't have time to second guess His plan.

So, I'm believing and knowing that now is our time - He said so. This baby is our healthy, thriving, growing blessing - and in a few short hours, I am going to know the approximate date that I will meet him or her, face to face.

There's nothing scary about it when you think about it that way.

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